why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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