Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize