You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
