Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Is Oprah even human
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
