he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
