dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize