I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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