im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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