I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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