Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
