Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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