They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Randomize
