It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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