i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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