my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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