I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
where are my eyebrows?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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