i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm like, not good at living.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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