Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
