I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize