do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
