I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
