im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
