Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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