FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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