I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
