Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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