The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
that's an acceptable place to lick
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
