She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
