I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
i think i just lost a toe
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