the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
