dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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