Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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