I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
So squirting runs in the family.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
