i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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