I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
