I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
love makes seman taste better
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
