i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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