you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
