I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
