My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Too much gin, very little bucket
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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