My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
