The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
