I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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