whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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