Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
