I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
