I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
