I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
So many bounce houses so little time
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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