i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
