foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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