i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
