This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
