if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
