Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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