good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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