the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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