just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
