my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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