Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
