Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
