I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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