Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I need a beard to bite.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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