Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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