Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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