I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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