around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
